I'm at a loss over what to do about my 23 year old son's older "fiance". I was extremely hurt and said so to my son. I've been dating a guy for 2 years now and have always been respectable and kind to his family. It's been a year now that I noticed this one girl, I think she's 15 or 16 yrs old, always come to our house to pet my dog. Always communicating and bonding with his siblings and grandparents. bingskee from Quezon City, Philippines on July 10, 2010: though i find it funny that a hub will be discussing something about this, i find the tips very useful as well. Am I in the wrong? It was sudden. She always says speaks positively about my whole family but I know exactly what is going on in the background. We have tried to give our son his space, included her in many family gatherings, dinners, etc. I've never been invited into the house, I have to sit in the car on the side of the road. I say then support the girlfriend don't put up with ugly behavior from your son towards women. But, Dave, remember one important thing: This woman is not a mere girlfriend. My son met "Scarlet" (this is not her real name) about two and half years ago on line - Xbox. The thing is that a young man must be getting something from his relationship with this girl. Feel free to email me anytime to discuss. Then she invited him to her house on the Sunday and I said no cos of the boundaries that I had put in place, telling both of them before hand, as I mentioned above. One day my husband came home from work and mentioned that he saw my son with the girl and his friends watching movie in the living room. But if they do it after getting in a relationship, you should consider some stringent friendly actions that will limit their interactions with their new partner. When a son introduces a new female into his world, mothers instinctually take caution, and fears and questions arise. But you'll be the one who has to live with your choice for the rest of your life. We have a 1 year old son together. Good luck. Nice blog! We feel so sorry for him as it is obvious at times he feels so pulled from pillar to post. I haven't said anything cos I don't want to hurt my son and put him in the middle of something that he is not responsible for. The Arena Media Brands, LLC and respective content providers to this website may receive compensation for some links to products and services on this website. I explained to her the reason. She pretends that she does not see me or ignores me. Now he is staying gone and won't have anything to do with me. You might also ask his closest friend, cousin or sibling to talk with him. 210K views, 25K likes, 8.6K loves, 132K comments, 25K shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Zion Prayer Movement Outreach: NIGHT OF OPEN HEAVEN (22ND APRIL,. Her hurt will only add to the mess. You said you dont like your sons gf because shes childish, woooah! My son is now with an old woman, closer to my age than his. He might insist that he "loves" her so do not challenge that. Your reasons are sound and valid from a parent's perspective, but in all honesty, you have to remember that he has a life of his own. You had the right to deny access to your basement, but other than that, are you friendly or cordial to his girlfriend? It might be understandable that your mother has reservations about this girl because your previous relationship with a woman did not survive. Sometimes, there is no way to save your loved one from his mistakes (and life is for learning and one tends to learn best through making mistakes). You have time on your side. He teacher shared that the girlfriend gets really impatient with him when she drops him off or picks him up and stated she has yet to meet my son, the father. But shrug your shoulders and say, "It's your life. Is that what he wanted? The 1st time I met her I went to shake her hand, limp wristed thing didn't even make eye contact. They talked all day, worked and slept with the cell phones connected. I never forgot the first day Scarlet walked into the hotel room, she had earring coming of our her mouth, nose, and tattoos all over her back. Your son must be a person who sees the good in all people and who tries to fix them. A theme like yours with a few simple tweeks would really make my blog stand out. Needs to argue constantly. On the other hand, my father likes my girlfriend a lot, he even called me and recently told me that my girlfriend checked him when he was admitted to hospital. If she is emotionally abusive/manipulative, she will expertly use your criticisms of her to drive a wedge between you and your son. If I were you, I would be humble enough to apologize to my son. She said she heard a girl laughing and when she look over the window, she saw them, my son and the girl helping my boy doing his laundry. u don't have a job, u shouldn't pay for ur friend's food! He has never been pressured to study anything he does not want to - made his own choices & is supported in his hobbies & passions; which she is not really supporting as they take time from her. This is not a matter of "getting along" with his girlfriend. Visit them alone sometimes. Warning: strpos(): Empty needle in /srv/users/serverpilot/apps/dim-wp/public/dog-breeders/index.php on line 1 Warning: strpos(): Empty needle in /srv/users . She's young and she'll go through a lot of changes just within the next few years alone. Cus he loves her duhhh!! It's not that she's got kids & has her tubes tied, it's not that she's as ugly as sin with what looks to be prison tatts. She's 52 years old! Needless to say, it infuriated me!! If he were going to give his own son advice if he were going to marry a woman like his fianc, what would he say to his son? I'm sorry if I'm not giving you the answers you wanted to hear, but they are the answers that will help you save your long-term relationship with your son which is more important than being right or getting him to comply with what you think is best for him. If she comes with serious emotional baggage, including mental or physical illness or addictions and he loves her enough to take her as is, you need to step aside and allow him to walk the life path he chooses. It has been a hard journey for me but now you have given me the hope on this and more importantly, actions to execute to ensure this does not get worse anymore. I didn't smother her with love just showed her that she was special. Possible Reasons Why Your Son Is With A Manipulative Girlfriend, 3. She made physical threats and destroyed any hope of acceptance again. I guess what i am trying to tell you is don't do what i did and TELL him all the red flags you see. She sleeps with multiple men at a time and has advertised her "services" on Backpage and Erotic Monkey. I could immediately tell from the type of pictures she had on her social media accounts and the tings that she would say that she was not someone I wanted for my son. I find it useful,I have four son one came home with a girl who will never say hi to me when he first start'ed going out with her, I always said hi some time she will just be looking at me, and my son will be there when she is doing this,this is my first son, now my #2 son will tel his girlfriend not to talk to me when he has problem with me even now he send his graduation invitation to his girl friend and a friend, when she see will also not say hi,how can I understand this ,I care for this children when their father left when they were babys is this what I get for 26years, please help me. He left home and married a woman much older than him, without telling any of his family, we only found out on Social Media. He has a girlfriend and we allowed her to come stay in our home 3 nights a week. He saw that her depression, dark attitude, and erratic behavior would not be good for children and that his life would be forever difficult. Your disapproval. My heart feels broken into a million pieces.please help me understand if Im doing something wrong. Just love your son so he will never forsake you for anyone. We need to reflect on his relationship with his family prior to this relationship with this girl. The first relationship she tore apart was he and his 1st girlfriend. Is there anything else we can do or are we taking the wrong approach? THAT calls to the little boy in him. Hi Doc, my Son is 18 and his girlfriend is the same age. I would say some of the things here but I don't want to offend anyone. Then, if and when problems in their relationship arise, he'll be able to turn to you for solace and guidance. Reach out and make the effort. She didn't say anything at the time. My father passed away the day before Mother's day . I have proof that this girl was a stripper and a prostitute! Required fields are marked *. Don't force him to choose between you and the girl. Before you act on any of this, I suggest you speak with a family court representative or attorney to see what your rights, as a grandparent, are. The woman has started expressing dislike for my three year old grandson. does not see any of these issues we are having with her, Love is blind I know. Who is this unfamiliar creature that has attracted our sons attention? Taking Action In Your Sons Unhealthy Relationship. As if the first meeting wasn't bad, within two weeks of moving in, she was begging to have his baby. HE STAYS OUT MOSTLY EVERY NIGHT WITH HER.WE HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HOME,BUT HE WOULD RATHER STAY WITH HER IN A HOUSE WHERE TWELVE OTHER PEOPLE LIVE.I HAVE CONSTANTLY TRIED TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT THIS BEHAVIOR BUT HE REFUSES TO LISTEN.HE HAS LOST HIS JOB AND HAS NOT REALLY TRIED TO FIND ANOTHER.I LOVE MY SON AND I AM AFRAID THAT SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN IF HE CONTINUES ON THIS PATH. He has basically dumped his family. Published Jun 16, 2015. Other obvious signs that should prompt you to take action on this matter are: Also, parents need to understand why their sons commit to any manipulative relationship before taking any action. I suggested prosponing renting out his flat go back and see how things go. The girl was sitting on the couch while my son sitting on the floor in between the girl's legs. Just keep singing the praises of your fianc, perhaps even drawing some analogies between her and your mother. Learn from the experience - that is what I am trying to do. Help! I asked my son if there's something between him and the girl, but he said they're just friends. Do you have a recipe we could all cook together? I don't trust him with her anymore! They do not see many of their choices as being "bad" for them. First, examine your own ways. Please give me an advise. And father. "Nice" young ladies/girls can have sexual hang-ups. Take the initiative when you sense genuine estrangement. My girlfriend is a very nice person and she likes my family and my children love her a lot, even though they are not hers but my mom has shown signs and comments of having a problem with the fact that I support her at times, even financially. fintech startups internship; did jimi hendrix play at harlem cultural festival 1969? I truly believe that this mother and father are wanting them to get married at some pont. Be sure that whatever you say is not your opinion but stick to facts. Many things are said that night including how the mother feels the kids should be able to make their own decisions and how her and her husband met in high school and are still together. In otherwise healthy, mature people, the thrill of life comes from love, discovery, learning or adrenaline-inducing experiences. Sincerely warm and pleasant. Where is your hometown? We have enjoyed a good relationship for the past 18 months with our son, he has telephoned me everyday, visited his grandparents and us, now he's ignoring us all again. During this time I have tried to be as kind and helpful to my son and his new girlfriend. Her mom kicked her out of the house a fact we recently just found out as his girlfriend told us she moved out. They don't want to look after their kids so why in the hell do they expect my son to look after them. Please help me what to do! The cops that responded to her police call informed her that it was a civil matter. By. Believe me, he will want to hang onto that. I implore you all not to cut ties with your son for any reason. What can I do? My son has a three year toddler who is in speech therapy because of delays in his development resulting from his neglectful mother. I tried talking to him about it to woo him back to her. That is part of life and learning. He ended them all to his advantage. Make it a warm and inviting offering. do oysters taste like fish. Sometimes, mothers assume their children know they are loved but it is important to express it in words as well as actions. She met him during his LAST semester of college and moved into his small dorm (apt) room in an apt that 3 other young men shared. Kimberly! She's been dating him for three years and he say's she'll grow out of it. My son learned and is so much wiser and stronger for it. The things she said to me were unacceptable along with the nasty threatening text messages of how I ruined his life now and that I hoped I was happy. Here is my advice: For the time being, don't fight against this girl or this relationship. He will want to make his "own" decisions. I have gone out of my way and bent over backwards but yet I cannot understand her personality. I also would remind him that parents are the only sure relationship that would never end. Once your son is older, you can only nurture him gently with love and support. Explain to him how his girlfriends behaviour is undesirable. I always tell him to be honest and don't lie to me if ever she likes someone else so I know whats going on with him. We are in a day where accusations can and will destroy a person. His girlfriend couldn't choose between them. While I still stand behind my suggestions in the article, there are times when you have to make a choice between risking a relationship with your son or having to standby helplessly to watch him suffer. She offers something that he wants on a physical, emotional or psychological level. ", "Your life, your choice, son. Practical Tips & Advice For Everyday Parenting. She claims to be a witch. THANKS ELIA. Maybe she is a way for him to stand up to his parents even if in a subconscious way. For instance, impose curfew hours in your home. At the end of the night, they came into our house to watch him open his gifts. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. But it sounds as though you imposed them without discussion, when you might have suggested the temporary rule as a recommendation, a suggestion, and asked them if they had alternative ideas for how to improve their chances of passing the exams. My son had 2 vehicles at the time and didn't need another one. I only charged her $300 a month rent and she could eat what I put in the refrigerator. Fifteen years from now, she'll be on oxygen and in a wheel chair. Another essential step you should consider is scheduling consistent family time. If they aren't, let time run its course. She is foul mouthed and I mean drops the f-bomb like its candy even in from of us. Then, you can continue to express the positives that your girlfriend adds to your life. Then there was the mornings she would stay in bed and my son trying to wake her but she wouldn't get up. my son has been with a girl for 2 years now the family can't stand her. Now me and my husband because we do not approve. She lied about being pregnant last year, she has cheated on him and he still chooses her. He'd call in for a meal occasionally. We'll look at the advantages and disadvantages of growing up in the digital age. We did this due to her poor attitude and disrespect towards me and my fiance. Her baby was born Dec 2012. Do you still talk to your son and express that his family loves and misses him? He sold the Camaro he had(that he owed money to his older brother for and used what he got for it to put more towards the new 2016 car he purchased for his girlfriends parents). It really is as simple as that! They will remember all of your loving care you gave them through the years and eventually, they will change their behavior towards you. I have been reading all the stories that you ladies have been posting. His first love. nice! What should I do. Right now, you are being the major bump. In-love with love notwith you. Mo Mulla is a work from home dad who enjoys reading and listening to music, He loves being a dad and husband to a growing family. I phoned him, he said, he wasn't leaving her and she had chosen him. So I told my husband about it, he comfronted my boy and he said, Yes, the girl came to my house but only help him clean his room and did the laundry. They are having sex (he denied it, but I found evidence otherwise), so this must be the hold she has on him. He asked us a few weeks ago to apologise to his girlfriend as she heard our telephone conversation about our concerns that she was using him against her ex partner. Your email address will not be published. (as he was joking on his text) I said, I only like her because she's nice to our dog, but I don't her for you as your girlfriend! But that's not an option anymore. Whatever you do, always, always be sure he can feel your love for him. Explain your concerns but follow them with, I will respect your choice and love you no matter what.. Now this woman is expecting us to resolve her issues. Young lovers are blind to serious red flags in their relationships which is why mothers become so alarmed when they see what they perceive to be poor choices, but its important to refrain from being petty. my sons girlfriend doesn t like me. He/her is guessing. Not allowing him the freedom to learn from his decisions is a mistake, too. Is is possible to have a frank talk with him--no judgment, criticism or forcing of opinion--just to express how you'd like to get to know her? This is the mother of your child and the mother of her grandchild. Let other life situations, including their immaturity, test their relationship. Her mother sees your disapproval as meddling and controlling your son's life. However, when viewed through your son's eyes, you're disapproving of his relationship with the girl he loves. On occasion when I see her, I am always the one to say hello (I was raised right). I called sweetly to the kitten who wriggled out of the monkey's arms and ran back to me. Kids sometimes might be in such a relationship out of fear of abandonment. She is a sad mixed up little kid who turned 18 yesterday but has been living a life of an 18 year old for two years anyway. If you are together in 5 years when college is over great, but don't miss out on so much of your young lives. Maybe write it in a letter or note. Family is forever. It feels bad because the person has some good or redeeming qualities and there could be some good feelings and even love there. Her family is unstable and made crazy comments to Scarlet and about us. She is disrespectful, leaves things all over the place, waste food, milk..etc, she is rude to anyone that is not one of her few personal friends and she only has a couple. His Grandparents are elderly and it's unfair that they are having to go through this again. I'm afraid we have failed miserably with my son's recent girlfriend. What she doesn't know won't hurt her, and so she can continue being the sweet, considerate future daughter-in-law and melt away your mother's disapproval with kindness in time. I even renovated her house and spent lots of money but now there is a problem when i support my girlfriend. My sons girl friend hates us. Plus, you have been a great financial help to your mother, and she might feel that you will be strapped if you also have to support your girlfriend, too. Your son is going to college so he is working towards a goal. Your son reacts negatively or flinches in her presence. losing a job is really hard and can get you down. He sees your disapproval as criticism of his life choice. In fact, shower your mother with lots of love and attention when your new wife is around so she will associate your wife with good times and loving feelings from her son. All she talks about is herself. In fact, if you have been too controlling throughout his upbringing, expect that this will be a time for him to establish his own independence. But they're in love and insist that age is just a number. Are you protesting this relationship? How would you feel if your own son's girlfriend called you names? That is all he sees. I felt like I was babysitting a 26 year old child. They moved near me with her baby was about 3 months of age. Ever since then she barely talks to me and barely greets me. They know that my husband and I don't like it at all. They have been together for 6 years and recently bought their own house. I trust you. "Her family might have been poor but this only gives her determination to help our family's finances." The fact that they began to date when she was only 15 shows me that he might like playing the older, wiser man. Its easy for you to recognize when another person is taking advantage of your loved one. is it normal for mothers to get jealous and mistreat the girlfriend, even though I've never disrespected their rules and wants for their son? Try to treat him like the independent young man he has become. I greatly appreciate your feedback. When she went to get the other child, her family would not let her take the older child. You can't help solve a problem until you know what it is. Youre his mom and that doesnt mean you can be his gf or wife. My son's girlf friend will sleep over in his room. So I made the mistake of telling him what I thought of her and there it all began. My girlfriend and i we've been dating for 5 months now, I've been the kind of guy to take photos to preserve memories and all, but my girlfriend doesn't like her pictures taken by me. Today I mad him leave with no where to go and cried after her left and watched him load that tiny car. Now they want to get MARRIED!!!!! We did not attack our son's former girlfriend but we only continually expressed our love for him. The Debater. I pointed out that she will get you to pay for both of her kids and any she has for you. He pays them rent, buys all their groceries, makes the car payment(oh and both his name AND her Dad's name is on the title but my son said he is the one who makes the payment). It's totally crappy and feels like a can't-win situation, but what happens between them is 100% out of your control. The highs, the lows. My son is 16 and his girlfriend is 17. So I let him waddle in the mess he made for about 6 months - until one day I just decided that I didn't want him to suffer. If this girl is important to him than she is important to you, too. She is always asking my son to ask me to help them and her financially. There is only one real red flag to be concerned about: violence. Be loving towards him. I was sick. For the first 8 months we got along very well. I have been helping my mom during this time. During this time he started dating a woman he met online from another state who was pregnant with another man's child. His driving has changed since he smokes he drives more irrationally now, was a great calm driver till he started smoking. Have you ever been to (your family vacation spot)? For the one whose son is only 19 years old, this will be harder because he is testing out his newfound independence and manhood. Now he is in the Montana Youth Challenge Academy for three more months and all he can talk about is getting her to come visit! APRIL 20 ORIGINAL COWBOY DIES Former NFL running back Don McIlhenny, who in 1960 scored the first rushing touchdown in Dallas Cowboys history, has died at the age of 88. For kids who have led the straight and narrow lifestyle for all their lives, the rebel or laid back lifestyle suddenly can feel liberating. However, I would remind him that he's not owning up to his adult responsibilities in having and providing for his woman without your help. They are OPPORTUNISTS. He always say "no or I don't have girlfriend" whenever I ask him questions like that. Although he denies it, I have read all through the text conversations they have had that proves it to be true and I have seen the ads of her soliciting sex with my own eyes. Ok, that was a year ago. What would you suggest at this point? It is very hurtful, but I will continue to invite both of them to spend time with us. All the smooth talks, creepy or stalking tendencies from their partner, are a sign of love. Our son has been dating a girl for 1 year. There are a lot more resources for grandparents today. If you wait and hes in a bottomless pit in the relationship, it may take longer for him to listen to your concerns. Always bragging. And honestly, I didn't like the girl for my son! How long do these things last? My girlfriend is the humblest and kindest women I have ever met and I like her for who she is and not what she has. Because when she knows this, she'll do anything to make you happy in return even if that means accepting the new love of your life. Generally, women who go into nursing are very nurturing, patient and compassionate people. HOWEVER, you can tell your son that if the child's school gets involved, he and his girlfriend will be reported for neglect and this can cause him to lose custody of his child. NOW is the time to be very, very careful in his choice. They would argue and fight. Her views on sensitive or controversial topics such as religion or politics. I said u better be honest to me, and he was firm that he said no! I made conditions for her moving in: she would get a part-time job and go back to school. Please help me what to do and how would I feel better because I don't know what to say , I feel betrayed.. Lori Phillips (author) from Southern California USA on August 20, 2012: Oh, you're welcome. That is all. !Grow up. When she started dating Matt she lived with her aunt apparently did not see eye to eye with her mother and step father whom run a beautiful heifer farm and her mom is a school teacher. The reality is that no matter what I did or you do, this girlfriend whoever she is, is there for a reason in your life. WOW! Its vital to have this sit-down immediately when you suspect any of the manipulative signs. Why does it feel bad? We will love you always. OTOH, I personally did not know anyone from my group of friends, or relatives, or coworkers around my age who owned a house by their "late 20s" and I can not think of any of my children's friends, co-workers adult children, nieces or nephews who owned a house before their early or mid 30s (or even later). "She is such a hard worker.". At 18, he has the right to live as he chooses. Now, my son has always been at the top of his class. But we keep working at it and we keep the lines of communication open. "My fianc really respects you, mom, because you are so ____ and she needs a role model for that." Thank you. This content is accurate and true to the best of the authors knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional. I am new to mumsnet, and I'm not actually a woman, hope this isn't an issue. During that time, my son was dating this new woman and she was still pregnant and also directly after the birth of her child. Only his. Be direct: "What have I done to make you treat me this way?" He only said the girl didn't come to the house because he got panicked when I asked him if the girl came and if he said yes that I'm gonna get mad. Thank YOU for posting. The woman has been on unemployment since sometime in the early days of her pregnancy and has allowed the property she owns jointly with her childs father to foreclose. Chances are he's going to keep being abusive to his girlfriends until he chooses to change. No bad-mouthing, no cursing, no anger. If you feel you need to know intimate details about her, ask your son in private. Her family were disgusted with her, they gave her money each month to subsidise her wages. Good luck. Their expectations of their daughter's fianc or husband will be very different from their expectations of her boyfriend. If you withdraw your love, she'll only resent your fianc for it. But there is hope. You know relationships have bumps in the road. She reached out to you to get to know you better and was met with suspicion and accusations. And instead of providing your opinions, point out the indisputable facts. Thank you very much for your guidance! After one year of playing on line with her and several guy friends, they decided to hook up. For young kids who haven't found healthy activities that provide the thrill (sports, academia, art, music, volunteering, positive social relationships), they subconsciously seek out experiences to feel the rush through emotional turmoil, drama, drinking, and drugs. Some first loves are destined to be "the one" while others eventually dissolve as each person involved matures. You have no control over what they do elsewhere, but you are responsible for what you allow in your home, so don't be bullied by his defiance of you. My son is blinded (21) and doesn't see the red flags all of our family members have seen in his life since he has met this girl and her parents. Note that I do not live with my parents as i am an independent person and have a professional job. No one likes to throw away love.
